Not really. I don’t actually believe your horoscope can tell you–to a tee– what’s going to happen in your life. However, four years ago I wrote something here that should lead me to believe otherwise.
Since I’ve been blogging more frequently this month, (I know I said I would do it daily but 4 times a week is good enough, really) there has been a higher influx of readers, some of which have been digging through my old archives. One post in particular got a lot of views. One of the paragraphs in that blog post got me thinking. Here’s what I wrote:
Now, my love horoscope was incredibly positive and dare I say, a little unrealistic. It said I would begin this year getting a lot of attention from men and that I would have so many men pursuing me, I would have trouble choosing one. HA! They explained that some lousy planet had been in my House of Love for a long time, but now it had finally left which meant total romantic bliss from now on. HA HA! My horoscope also foresees that by the end of 2010, my romantic life would reach its peak, meaning I would get either get married or move in with someone. HA HA HA! I don’t mean to sound pessimistic. But I find all that hard to believe. At least, for now.
So that prediction actually turned out to be true. Allow me to elaborate.
I was, for all intents and purposes, single at the beginning of 2010. That didn’t mean I wasn’t hopelessly in love, but that love was indeed hopeless, and so I made the decision to start dating. I had never really tried online dating and I thought I would give it a chance. I signed up on Match.com at the suggestion of a friend. While I had my share of dates that were a bunch of fails, I did find myself at some point where I had many suitors and I actually didn’t know who to go out with. I obviously chose to date the losers who were either not really interested in a relationship or the weirdos who were kind of creepy and had the personality of a rock. My enthusiasm for online dating slowly fizzled out and I gave it up.
Then over summer break, I made a terrible mistake. A mistake which many women have made throughout history over and over again: I got back together with an ex while I was on the rebound. It happened without me even realizing it was happening. And it was even more complicated because we were 2000 miles apart. But somehow I found myself in serious relationship again that was, seemingly, quickly headed for marriage.
Now, here’s the part when I want to kick myself in the proverbial nuts. A part of my brain, albeit small, knew that I was making a huge mistake by getting back together with my ex. But a bigger part of my brain was in denial mode. I was so desperate to find a way to get over that hopeless (failed) relationship that I was truly fooling myself into believing this new relationship actually had a chance of working out. I guess I wanted to simply replace the feelings in my heart, which now that I think about it, was utterly ridiculous.
One day, something clicked in my brain, and I realized that I was in for a world of pain if I went through with my plans of marrying my ex. Breaking up with him was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I felt like a piece of garbage for treating him that way. Many people got mad at me and hated me for doing that to him. I sort of hated myself a bit as well. But here’s the thing. I’m a firm believer that most people* who cheat on their spouses, at some point of the courtship had reservations or felt unsatisfied or unfulfilled with the relationship. I didn’t want that to be me in the future. I felt that if I went through with it, I was going to be miserable and make him miserable. I made the hardest choice but in the end, the right one. From what I’ve heard from mutual friends, he’s moved on and seems to be very happy with another girl now. That has definitely helped me forgive myself for making that decision.
In the midst of all that breaking up drama, I met the man who is now my husband. Granted our romantic relationship didn’t start right away. I honestly refused to give him my number several times at first. I was full of doubts and fears. I was afraid of falling in love and having my heart broken once again. I was afraid to put my hopes of happiness in a man only to realize it would never work. J was persistent though and didn’t give up. He never pressured me or anything but he sort of stuck around as a friend until I decided to give it a chance. And I’m so glad he did.
Going back to the horoscope prediction, my life did reach a peak at the end of 2010, although I was still a little ways from moving in together or marriage. That peak moment came when I decided to let go. Let go of what I wanted from love, let go of my expectations, of my illusions of perfect love. That was the first step. Letting go.
It took a long, long time for me to understand that indeed everything happens for a reason. That there was a reason for me to fall in love so desperately with the wrong man, that there was a reason for me to pursue meaningless relationships, or to try, in vain, to make it work in a relationship that was doomed from the start. All of those things have led me here. All of those things have made me the woman I am today. I understand now that J was the person I was meant to be with from the start. For this, I regret nothing. I am eternally thankfully for all the experiences I have gone through. I am also grateful for the other (two) men I loved before my husband and what I learned from loving them.
Not too long ago, I wouldn’t have been able to admit all this to myself, but I am strong enough now to do so. So I guess, maybe, horoscopes do tell the truth?
* I know that is not the only reason