Archive | September, 2011

Annoyed

4 Sep
I’m so…annoyed, for lack of a better word. There’s this thing about my personality that I absolutely detest, and that is the fact that I am the least confrontational person ever. As in, I avoid conflict at all costs. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fair share of arguments and fights, but they have involved mostly one or two family members and/or whoever I happened to be romantically attached to at the time. However, when it comes to face-to-face arguments with random people, “friends”, coworkers and the like, I simply cannot do it. Instead, I sulk and I pout all by myself and I replay the situation/offense in my head over and over again. And you know what? That’s a fucking drain. And you know what else? Because of being a non-confrontational person, I let other people take advantage of me and even bully me sometimes. Actually, non-confrontational is a euphemism for coward and chicken-shit. That’s another of the many things I would like to change about myself.

One would think that teaching all these years has given me some balls, right? Well, it has. It is so easy to stand up to students and scold them. Ultimately, you know you’re in control as the teacher, so it is justified as you’re only trying to discipline them. I almost never get angry or lose my cool with kids, but for the sake of keeping them disciplined I have to fake being really angry at them when they act up, and trust me, it totally works.

In other situations I rock at arguing. You should see me on the phone with an IT guy or a telemarketer; I can easily chew their ass out and I can be mean and nasty (I’m not like that in reality) And don’t get me started on e-mail, text message or FB Wall arguments, ‘cause I can turn into freaking Cruela DeVil then.

But then there’s the other side of me in which I can’t stand up for myself. There have been these people in my life that make me close up like a clam and I JUST CANNOT SAY WHAT I’M REALLY THINKING TO THEM.

At many points in my life, I have been surrounded by this kind of people. Some of them have been (and still are) very important to me and more than just acquaintances. Others are people I really don’t care much for. So, I ask myself, why the hell do I let them intimidate me so freaking much?
I want to be able to argue with people, tell them what I’m thinking, especially when they’re wrong without choking up on my words while tears of frustration and anger stream down my face.

I really want to get over this.

End of rant

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