Yeah, baby!

4 Dec

Wow, it’s only been four days? Gahh! I don’t think I’m going to stick to this writing-everyday crap for an entire month. Let’s see how I long I’ll last…

In the meantime, and because I have nothing else to talk about today, I will post a rant of sorts on a topic that consumes most of my thoughts lately: babies, babies, babies everywhere!

So yeah, my biological clock is ticking something fierce. But really, it’s only natural: I’m little over three months away from turning thirty. I’m in a stable relationship with a supporting partner who won’t abandon me and will be a loving father to our child. And while we are not rich by any stretch of the imagination, we both have a steady income that will comfortably cover all the needs of a tiny human being.

What is the problem, then? For one, I feel a lot of pressure to get pregnant. Mostly from my family. Not a week goes by that my mom or my aunt don’t bring up the state of my uterus. My aunt even asks me openly if my period is late, and my mom sometimes has made suggestions, not too subtly, on how I can seduce my husband after asking me if I’m ovulating. Oh, and whenever I talk to other relatives or friends from Colombia that I haven’t seen in a long time, the inevitable question of “So when are you two going to have a baby?” comes up. Even my BFF has asked me that question! I could keep the questions at bay when I was in grad school. I was all like, Really? You expect me to do my thesis while I’m preggo?

If I’m being honest, the main thing keeping me from getting pregnant is that, heck, we haven’t even been married for a year! We have been living together for over twelve months, but it’d be nice to be married for a little longer before a child enters the picture. We’re planning a big vacation abroad and a child would just make things more complicated. Plus, we still don’t know where we’re going to live permanently. We may move to SC or go to another area of NC. All of those decisions are still up in the air and depend mostly on when I get my permanent residency/citizenship.

Then there’s my irrational fear that I won’t be able to have babies. I have already talked to my doctor, gotten tested and everything seems great. Other than my migraines and being a little overweight –I know I have to seriously lose weight before I get pregnant too—I’m very healthy, and my doctor agrees. She recommended I take certain supplements to prepare for conception and pregnancy and I’ve been very good about taking them. I know that J can have children so I just obsess with my ability to bear children.

Every time I see that someone I know announces a pregnancy on Facebook, I feel truly happy for them even though a little part of me feels a tiny bit jealous. Sometimes I wonder, do I really want to have a baby? Do I really want to give up the freedom to stay up late on a Wednesday night or to stay in my PJs the whole day on a Sunday? I’m not sure I know the answer to that question, but I do know this. When I see a baby lately, I get this warm, fuzzy feeling in my heart that I’d never felt before. Whenever I see a couple expecting their first child, I can’t help to cheer for them and think to myself, wow, they’re so lucky. So I guess that means, yes, I’m partly ready. Partly, because I don’t think anyone is ever completely ready to have a baby.

I can’t say for certain that 2014 will be the year that J and I have our first child. A huge part of me wishes that. Another part of my brain is terrified of the thought of caring for another human. We’ll just have to wait and see. In the meantime, I’ll have a drink of this, while I can, and toast to what the future will bring. Cheers!

2013-12-04 20.40.15

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